


why be a hero? vigilantes are way cooler

by skrrtnation



Category: Dream SMP - Fandom, Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Superheroes/Superpowers, Gen, Tommy Is a Gremlin, i am SO proud of the hero names i came up with its not even funny, philza takes ONE LOOK at tommy and is like yes i must adopt this child, so is ranboo(sort of), there is descriptions of fights and by extension injuries, tubbo is just Tired
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-11
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-18 01:55:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29975640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skrrtnation/pseuds/skrrtnation
Summary: tommy laughs almost maniacally, hopping from roof to roof as he keeps an eye on the alleys between them, tubbo's voice yelling at him through his earpiece, he's upset that tommy took the last pop tart before he left. "oh-" tommy says, stopping short and almost falling off the buildings ledge, looking down at the alley below him. "gotta go fight crime, tubbo." he says, moving to shut off the ear piece. "no, tommy don't you dare the whole point is-" his voice cuts off.tommy climbs down the fire escape quickly, coming face to face with a knife, but he takes it with grace, he's big and strong and smart afterall. "what're you gonna do? stab me?"
Relationships: Ranboo & Toby Smith | Tubbo & Wilbur Soot & Technoblade & TommyInnit & Phil Watson, Ranboo & TommyInnit & Toby Smith | Tubbo, Technoblade & Tommyinnit & Wilbur Soot, TommyInnit & Phil Watson, Wilbur Soot & Technoblade & Phil Watson
Comments: 31
Kudos: 274





	1. chapter one

tommy laughs almost maniacally, hopping from roof to roof as he keeps an eye on the alleys between them, tubbo's voice yelling at him through his earpiece, he's upset that tommy took the last pop tart before he left. "oh-" tommy says, stopping short and almost falling off the buildings ledge, looking down at the alley below him. "gotta go fight crime, tubbo." he says, moving to shut off the ear piece. "no, tommy don't you dare the whole point is-" his voice cuts off. 

tommy climbs down the fire escape quickly, coming face to face with a knife, but he takes it with grace, he's big and strong and smart afterall. "what're you gonna do? stab me?" he does, and tommy hisses as the knife grazes his torso. 

"that's not very pogchamp of you." tommy mutters, putting distance between him and the mugger, his main concern was the terrified looking couple on the other side of the alley, the other two muggers keeping them from getting away. "what the fuck does that even mean?" the mugger asks angrily, lunging at the teen, tommy dodges, grabbing the muggers arm as he goes past. tommy grins, dislocating the guys elbow. 

"ow! you little shit!" the mugger yells, swinging at tommy with his other arm, knife in hand. tommy ducks, kicking the mans feet out from under him. "do yourself a favor and stay down." tommy says, stomping on one of the muggers kneecaps, hearing a crack. 

tommy groans as hes hit over the head with what feels like a metal trashcan lid, turning around to see one of the other men behind him. "that's not very nice." tommy says, glaring at the man. "didn't anyone ever teach you hitting someone isn't very kind." 

he takes down the guy with ease, using his makeshift weapon against him. he looks satisfied with himself until he turns to the third man to see him pointing a gun at the couple and tommy swears under his breath. "don't move, or- or else!" the third mugger says, and tommy puts up his hands. "alright, alright. just calm down." tommy's brain is whirring, gears turning behind his eyes as he tries to come up with a solution to this problem. he can see it in the guys eyes, he really means it, and that chills tommy to the core. he never really understood how someone could so carelessly end a life. tubbo's voice crackles back into his headset. "above you, idiot!" he shouts, and tommy looks up to see the silhouette of a man with wings, and before he can blink the mugger is on the ground, the couple shrieking and running off as soon as they get the chance. 

tommy is standing right in front of his favorite hero, his role model. the hero looks at him, cocks his head. tommy had admired elytra for a while now, had hoped he'd have a power like his when he watched him on tv when he was a kid. 

"you look twelve." elytra says, looking tommy up and down. tommy huffs. "and? shut up old man." he says, even though he's literally internally fanboying so hard. "how old even are you?" the pro hero asks, and tommy grins. "sixteen." is all he says before he quickly scales the fire escape once again, successfully avoiding the coming lecture from the pro hero. he already knew he was young, shouldn't be doing this because he had his whole life ahead of him. 

"did you seriously just call elytra an old man?" tubbo asks through the headpiece. "oh god, don't remind me." tommy groans, and tubbo laughs. 

soon enough, tommy reaches his apartment building, taking his mask off as he steps through the door. ms. puffy looks up at him with a smile. "don't get blood on my floor, tommy." is all she says, but tommy knows she really means something along the lines of 'don't bleed out, idiot', and he nods. "yes ma'am." he says before climbing up the stairs to the third floor, opening his apartment to see tubbo sprawled out on the couch, looking at the tv upside down. 

"honey, i'm home." tommy jokes, closing and locking the door. tubbo gets up off the couch. "sit down." he says, glancing to the cut on tommys torso bleeding sluggishly before going to get the first aid kit. 

"you need to be more careful, idiot." tubbo says as he stitches up the wound. "you're going to bleed out one day and then i'll have to pay my own rent." tommy laughs at that. "no, puffy wouldn't do that to you, she's too nice." tubbo looks at him in disbelief. tommy sticks his tongue out at him. "she just has a bad way of showing it." tubbo sighs, putting gauze on the fresh stitches. "you owe me more pop tarts, wench." 

tommy sighs, leaning against the back of the couch. "you can't make me go." he mutters, he feels a flick to his forehead. "yes i can. no more tech priviledges if you don't." tommy opens one of his eyes looking disdained. "you wouldn't." "i would." tommy sighs, whining. "fine." he draws the last two words out. 

tommy gets up and goes to change, figuring the grocery store clerks wouldn't take kindly to a kid in a dirty blood stain hoodie. god, he was going to hate past him in the morning when he had to scrub the thing clean and stitch it back up. 

"do we need anything else?" tommy asks exiting his room, grabbing his wallet from the kitchen countertop. tubbo is once again looking at the tv upside down on the couch. "milk." tommy nods, leaving the apartment and mapping out the quickest way to the store in his head.


	2. chapter two

tommy just wants one normal trip to the goddamn convenience store. is that too much to ask? apparently fucking so, seeing as the instant he step foot into the freezer section to grab milk he heard the sounds of a typical stick up. tommy cursed to himself. 

why did now have to be the time he left the house without at least a bandana to cover his face? sometimes tommy was convinced whatever higher power there was, it fucking hated him. and that was fine, really, but it is a major inconvenience sometimes. tommy sighs, peering over the isles, trying to formulate some sort of plan. there are footsteps behind him he doesn't notice til theres something pointing into his back. he thinks its a banana, which is ridiculous, really, but he plays along anyway, letting whatever idiot is behind him lead him to the front to where the family who runs the store also is. "this weather we're having, eh?" tommy asks and vaults over the counter, trying to get some distance between him and the idiot robbing the store. "you little shit! dont make this harder than it has to be!" the guy shouts, peering over the counter to try and grab him. tommy launches up, hitting the guy square in the face. "fuck!" he shouts, bringing a hand to his now broken nose. tommy grins at him. "what kind of fucking idiot robs a store with a banana?" he mutters, taking a swing and knocking the guy out. 

"shit. tubbo's going to be pissed." tommy sighs, climbing back over the counter to retrieve his abandoned pop tarts and carton of milk, bringing them back to pay. 

they end up being on the house, a payment for stopping the robber he guesses. he ends up leaving through the break room door to avoid the cops that show up, ducking through alleys and sketchy side streets to get back faster. 

when he gets to his apartment, ranboo is on the couch, legs dangling off the side, a fact he ignores, instead locking the door and heading into the kitchen to put away the milk, placing the poptarts on the counter. he ignores ranboo again on his way to his room, changing once again for the third time that day. when he emerges, tubbo is at his computer in the corner, boredly doing school work. tommy decides to stay vaguely in his good graces, and elects to annoy ranboo instead, flopping on top of him, at least somewhat mindful of the new bandages on his arm. "how does someone with teleportation powers manage to get injured?" he asks, prodding just below the white bandages. 

ranboo hisses and shoves him off, sticking his tongue out at him. "shut up, what kind of shitty name even is theseus?" tommy playfully glares at him. "it's not my fault you have no taste." 

tubbo spins around in his chair and sighs. "ladies, ladies, you're both pretty." he says, and both tommy and ranboo stich their tongues out at him. "i brawl a robber in mid daylight just to get you poptarts and this is how you treat me?" tommy asks, mock offended. tubbo's eyes widen. "you what?!" he gets up off his chair, walking over and smacking tommy upside the head. "this is exactly why you should always leave your comm on, idiot. you could have gotten killed." tommy huffs. "he was pretending a banana was a gun, i'd have been fine." ranboo barks a laugh at that. "what kind of moron robs a store with a banana?" tommy points at him. "that's what i said!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry these chapters are kind of short i just prefer to update more frequently with shorter chapters bc it feels more productive to me idk


	3. chapter three

phil is most definitely getting too old for this, he thinks, no, he knows. his joints are creaking and he wakes up with a crick in his neck almost every day. the kid that just got away from him after calling him an old man was most definitely not helping. 

phil sighs, is this really what he's doing? still a hero at the record age of 34, no seriously he's the oldest in the business. and now he's seriously considering hunting down an annoying vigilante child just to adopt them. 

so that's how he ends up back at headquarters, interrogating anyone and everyone he sees on the vigilante. he gets the kids name, theseus jack said it was. he also gets a vague idea of the kid's patrol route, planning on scoping it out tomorrow. phil startles slightly when techno makes himself known behind him. "so what's all this ive been hearing about you asking around interrogating people around the headquarters about a vigilante?" techno asks, sitting on phil's desk. "vigilante? don't you know that stuff was decriminalized years ago, old man?" says wilbur, who's sitting at his own desk strumming his guitar. 

phil laughs. "i know that, wil. the vigilante's a kid, he looked fourteen." techno sighs. "don't tell me-" wil starts "-you're planning on attempting to adopt this kid?" techno finishes. 

"shame, i figured you'd be intrigued by him. apparently he goes by the alias theseus." phil says, leaning his head on his hand. techno's eyes widen at that. "really? okay i'm in." wilbur glares at him. 

"you're way too easy, i don't get why you have such a badass reputation." he says. "that theseus kid is annoying, he's a little prick. he called me old! he said my hairline was receding!" techno laughs at that. "he was right." 

wilbur huffs. " _eat your own shoe_." he says, eyes flashing white for a second. "wil!" phil scolds, moving forward quickly to stop techno from putting the quite frankly filthy boot in his mouth. "quit using your powers on your brother." wilbur pouts. "he deserved it." 

____________________

ranboo is genuinely convinced he's pissed off a trickster god, it is literally the only explanation for the situation he's ended up in. he likes to think he's smart, that he has common sense. but apparently he doesn't, not now, at least. you see, he agreed to go out on patrol with tommy tonight, biggest mistake of his life. 

the night started up fine, good even, only the occasional light mugging. but now ranboo was genuinely regretting even meeting tommy, frantically teleporting in and out of view, trying his hardest to avoid literal bullets. 

how did he end up here? why is he here? what the fuck did he do to deserve this? "i told you this was a bad idea! i told you we should leave this to actual heros but noo! 'it'll be fine ranboo, there are innocent people in there ranboo' there are also people with guns!" he shouts, hearing a bark of laughter from tommy somewhere else in the bank. "we're not dead yet!" tommy shouts back, taking down one of the men without a gun. ranboo sighs, figures he should do something other than evade bullets and teleports behind the service area, ducking down as much as possible for cover. 

"i'm going to start teleporting people outside," ranboo says. "i'm going to start with kids, this may be a bit disorienting." he says in a quiet tone, and thats exactly what he does, god he's going to be so sore after this. ranboo takes everyone out, sometimes two people at a time. it's after he gets back from the last hostage that his powers start to short out, which is okay, really, it is, he'll just hideout here until pros show up. but then he hears crying, and fuck, he missed someone. 

ranboo peeks his head over the service counter and scans the place quickly, eyes landing on movement behind an upturned desk. he inhales sharply, willing his powers to work even though he knows there'll be consequences for pushing himself too hard in the near future. he appears next to the kid, and attempts to soothe them. "hey, hey it's alright. my name is ender, i'm here to help you, alright?" the kid is hyperventilating, and he moves his hands quickly.

ranboo recognizes it as asl, and he thanks whatever lord is looking down upon him because apparently they didn't hate them that much. he knew asl, all thanks to his once caretaker, edward, a mute man who took ranboo in when he was younger. "slower, kid, i can't read what you're saying." the kid's signing slows. 'i don't know where my parents are.' the kid signs, and ranboo winces, remembering seeing two people that looked a lot like this kid when he and tommy entered, to put it kindly he didn't think they would be getting back up. "i'm so sorry, kid." he says softly, and the kids face crumples, tears steaming down their face.

"c'mere, let's get you out of here." ranboo says, opening his arms for the kid to crawl into. he tries to teleport them out, really tries, but his powers frizzle out and he lands them back behind the service counter. ranboo swears, and once again he genuinely thinks the gods above hate him. 

"stay here, kid, alright?" ranboo says and moves to get up and help tommy with the fight, but he's stopped by a small hand grabbing his. he turns to the kid. 'stay, please' they sign. "alright, alright i'll stay." he says, and when he sits back down the kid leans agains him. "whats your name, kid?" he asks and the kid signs 'michael' ranboo nods. "michael, huh? promise not to tell anyone, but my real name is ranboo." the kid looks up at him with a small smile. 'no promises' he signs. 

"are you two alright?" someone asks from the other side of the service counter, and ranboo looks up to literally find the blade, ranboo's role model. ranboo nods. "yeah, i uh, i teleported all the other hostages out." 

techno smiles at him. "good job, kid." ranboo feels like maybe he's going to pass out. "thank you, mr. blade sir." the hero looks at him amusedly. "unless you want to get interrogated, i suggest you leave now." ranboo nods, scrambling up quickly. "c'mon michael." ranboo says, holding out a hand to help the kid up. he uses the last of his energy to teleport them back to tommy's apartment, finding tommy and tubbo already there. 

"no, no there's no way we're keeping that thing! we can hardly afford to pay for our own food!" tommy says the second he lays eyes on michael, and ranboo pouts turnig to tubbo. "we can't just leave him alone, tubbo, me and him bonded. we bonded!" ranboo says, and tubbo sighs. "fine, but you're the one cleaning up after him." ranboo jumps for joy, almost hitting his head on the ceiling. "sir yes sir." he says before steering michael off to presumably get him a fresh set of clothes and definitely a bath, the poor kid was covered in dust.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _starts chanting_ MICHAEL MICHAEL MICHAEL


	4. chapter four

tommy wakes up at around six in the morning, why, you ask? his chaos senses are going off. he gets out of bed, grumbling about never getting a full nights sleep before going to check out whats going on. he immediately thinks he should have stayed in bed, seeing the tiny stray ranboo brought home in the kitchen, looking like a deer in the headlights surrounded by what looked like all of the flour in the apartment, eyes watery with tears. "oh my fucking god." tommy mutters, _this might as well happen_ , he thinks. 

"what in the _fuck_ are you doing?" he asks, 'trying to make breakfast' the kid, marshall? martin?? mike?? _michael_ signs and tommy finally has use for the asl course ranboo dragged him and tubbo to. "let me guess, pancakes?" he asks, and the kid nods. 

"fuck. alright, here's what we're going to do. we'll clean this up, and then, donuts. yeah?" he cannot fucking believe he's doing this, god. he's gone soft he really has, couldn't stand to look at the pitiful look on the kids face. yeah, yeah he pitied the weaker mortal. he can work with this, this is charity work because he is oh so kind and caring. that's it, that's what he'll tell anyone who questions him.

it takes them an hour to get the kitchen back to tubbo's standards, by then they're both covered in flour and what tommy assumes is egg? he doesn't know, he's never made anything in his life. they both end up having to change, tommy graciously granting michael one of his smaller shirts and pants that he had to cuff the shit out of. "michael if anyone asks, i kidnapped you." he says, putting a hat on the kid just in case. he's not soft, _he's not soft_. fuck you if you think he is because he _isn't_. 

when they get to the donut place, tommy makes the mistake of letting michael pick out the donuts. he can already feel the cavity coming on just looking at the assortment the kid picked out. were those- were those fucking _gummy worms_ one one of them? dear god. 

his phone buzzes in his pocket, fishing it out to see ranboo's contact name and an extremely unflattering close up of him asleep on the couch. "what do you want, bitch?" he asks, and the lady behind him in line glares at him. "please tell me michael's with you and i didn't lose an entire twelve year old." comes ranboo's voice over the phone. "yeah, yeah. he's picking out the worst fucking donuts i've ever seen, we'll be back in like ten twenty minutes tops." he hears a sigh of relief over the phone. "thank christ." he says, and then he hangs up. by the time the call's over, michael's finished picking donuts out. "your brother is adorable." the lady behind the counter tells him and he scoffs. "what? this thing? my roommate picked it up off the side of the road yesterday." she laughs, obviously thinking it was a joke, which it _sort of_ was. after he pays, he lets michael hold the box and they walk back to the apartment. 

"we're back with awful sugary heart attack inducing donuts!" tommy shouts, closing the door behind him. when he turns around, michael had already eaten at least two of them. "michael! slow down you might choke!" says ranboo, who sits down on the couch and looks at the donuts in disgust. "what the _fuck_ are those?" asks tubbo who looks like he just woke up, staring at the donuts like they just killed his family. "don't ask me, ask the small gremlin." michael grins with a face covered in icing. "god damn it tommy, now you're his favorite." ranboo says, reaching for one of the less atrocious looking donuts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _laugahs nervously in slight writing style change_ anyway tommy is the chaotic uncle that michael deserves.


	5. chapter five

okay so tommy will admit he maybe shouldn't be out patrolling now, what with his uh, situation. you see, he's what other, weaker beings call sick. he's fine, really, totally not dizzy at all. he can do this, he can. sure, tubbo had said to him "if you go out right now i'll kill you." but he'd tried before, and tommy was still around. 

speaking of tubbo, his voice came crackling through tommy's earpiece. "tommy mother fucking innit! what did i tell you? stay home. what did you not do?! stay fucking home." his voice makes tommy's head throb. the blonde groans. "shh tubbo. it's all good, yeah? it's all fine." he draws out the last syllable, sort of tumbling as he does his usual jumping from roof to roof parkour. "you're distracting me tubbo." he says, the world moving under him. "no, you're delirious, idiot." tommy laughs at that. "could a delirious person do this?" he asks, and falls headfirst into a dumpster. 

"you idiot!" tubbo shouts at the other end of the line and tommy shushes him again. "shhh. bye bye, tubso." he says, taking the earpiece out and throwing it. he vaguely hears a "god fucking damn it tommy." from the other line before it shatters on the dumpster wall. 

"time to do this shit." tommy mutters, climbing out of the dumpster and stumbling out of the alleyway just to come face to face with a robbery in progress. this is _definitely_ a job for the strong, hansome, charismatic tommy innit. 

in all reality, it was _not_ a job for tommy, seeing as the second he stumbled through the door he got subdued, sat against the counter with zipties on his wrists next to the poor clerk who clearly does _not_ get paid enough for this. "this is so embarrassing for you." tommy says to the robber. "only being able to take down an unarmed child because hes sick- wait, no fuck. i'm a big huge man, you only took me down because i didn't take that cold medicine like ranboo told me to." he says, and the guy just looks absolutely _dumbfounded_ by this absolute gremlin. that is until he drops, knocked out cold by some sort of hilt. "holy shiit." says tommy. "you're- haha. you're the blade, that's so cool. can i touch your axe?" he asks, tied hands reaching up for said weapon. "you're theseus? damn i was expecting a smarter person to have that name." the pink haired hero says, and tommy frowns. "i'll have you know it's that techno motherfuckers fault, teaching me how to read with greek myths- who teaches a five year old to read with greek myths?" tommy literally does not know what he's saying. the hero looks shocked. "tommy? holy shit." says the hero, crouching to check over the teen for injuries. "techie?" is all tommy says, leaning into the pink haired man. "missed you, where's wilby?" god tommy is going to be _so, so_ embarrassed by this when he's less sick and more coherent. 

techno laughs at the nicknames. "you still call me that?" he doesn't get a response, the teen having fallen asleep on him. techno sighs, pulling out his phone to call phil.

**Author's Note:**

> this took so much world building i- sbbsnsn i took elements on how superheroing works from both one punch man and mha and added a few of my own details. this au is a frankensteins monster of a world and im proud  
> my tumblr: mcytfunnymanapologist


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